This Strange, New I

There was doubt and everything was complicated.

Should I continue this new relationship ?

It's been one month.

I haven't had relationships that long since, like, forever. Well, no, maybe not forever, but it really looks like it was forever.

And then I refused.

I said no.

I had no intention to have sex with him last night, so I just said no. And he insisted, and he kept kissing me, and touching me, and God he's good with these hands of his... And I wanted to, but somewhere I didn't.

I had too many things in mind. Cells, anatomy, and other really great things you learn in fabulous, not-tiring-at-all med school.

And I had to work on it. And I had no time. I was oppressed. I didn't want our "rare bird", our first time, to go like this. My first time. To go like this.

So, I just... I just didn't.

He went away.

I sent him an e-mail, explaining my reasons. That I wanted to, I did, I really did, but just not today. Not today, not today. Maybe tomorrow. Probably next week.

Or Whatever.

Anyway.

We talked.

And it was good.

And I do think about him.

I do, I do.

But there's still doubt, and fear... And I just don't want to let go. If I do, if I just let myself fall, in his arms, I'm afraid I'm going to lose it.

The man I used to call the love of my life, he destroyed me, I think. Not that he wanted to. Poor sweetheart, he didn't even know it at all. But it was enough to kill me.

And I put my heart and my soul at not letting myself being in love with him.

And this spread to not being in love at all... ever?

So, I don't want to let myself fall.

And yet.

15 minutes ago.

He just told me.

"I've got a problem."

"What ?"

"I'm beginning to grow attached to you."

And then, there was nothing. No string, no rope, just this strange feeling I hadn't been experimencing for too long.

There was nothing. My hands crooking on my face of happiness and nothing else.

And I said, "Well, it's not a problem, it's good. And I am too, you know."

"Yeah, but... I'm not going stay forever in this town. Just one year."

And there was pain and sorrow all over again.

And he said,

"Well, we still have time... We'll see where all this leads us."

"Yes."

"Anyway, you're a very good boyfriend."

"You too, you know."

I'm beginning to let go... ain't I?

Ok, so that was quick.

Just decided a new blog and poof, just came out of nowhere.

I'm writing in English. At least today.

I'm not... English, nor British, and certainly not American, but I'm writing in English... at least today.

I need some new place to start over, fresh, new. I don't know if I will let people I really know read this one. I just, I don't know. I guess it's easier talking about yourself when you know noone you know can read it, you know ? :) Then you don't have to be gentler. You just say things straight out of your mind.

I'm sorry for writing in English, I'm sure I'm making horrible mistakes, but it's my language. I think in English, I swear in English, I dream in English. So I'm having bad grammatical dreams, but I'm just fine.

I need this place to start over.

Because my old place, well, it was like... bright blue. And I can't deal with bright blue any more. It was too old, and I liked what I wrote there, in my natal French so everyone could understand what I talked about, but I think too many people could have access to it, and I don't want some of them to, even though I wanted to... long ago. Things change.

I changed.

I did; I changed.

My life changed this year. Six weeks ago, I was moving in this new town, new flat, new everything... Four weeks ago, I was acknowledging (I never know how to spell that one) that I was wrong... And I finally found my way, my path... What I wanted to do with my life : help people. Help people in a concrete, strong way. I'm becoming a doctor, guys ! ... Two weeks ago, I was meeting someone. Someone kissed me, that day, on the first date. I hadn't been kissed since... well, very, very, very long ago. And yet Someone kissed me. It's good for the ego, you know. It's good... According to him, we're now "two people together"... "deux personnes ensemble".

I don't wanna fall in love.
I don't wanna commit.

And... That's just the thing : I commit. I'm the committing one. I do commit, I do get involved, emotionnally involved, life involved. I am. I'm committing. I'm... I was ?

I'm afraid of committing to Someone. To anyone, actually. I've suffered in my past. Who hasn't, right ? Who hasn't... Everybody hurts, everybody bleeds, that's what I've learnt : everybody bleeds. You think you're special because you hurt ? Well, you're not. Everybody hurts.

That's a song, isn't it ? That's a song, "Everybody hurts".

I'm afraid.

I don't wanna commit.

He tells me that he misses me, and I would like to run away. He wants to see me, and I just, I just don't know. I don't know if I want to have breakfast with him, Grey's Anatomy+Nutella nights with him, sex with him. I just, I don't know. He looks so different from me... I don't know.

I thought love was the missing thing in my life : knowing that I'm liked, that I could be loved, loved in return. Having someone. Now I have Someone... But it just seems not enough. Because I'm not in love with Someone. I can not be. I cannot. I won't. Maybe I will but... I want to be... ah, how d'you say that in English, courtisé ? Wait, I'm using unusually-slow Voila. Shoot, I left my dictionnary at home. I'm at my parents'. Of course I wasn't gonna take my dictionnary. And stupid Voila refusing to work. Stupid, stupid voila. Ok, you know what, that's it, I'm using Reverso. The first person to remind me that Voila depends on Reverso... Ah, well, courted, all simply and stuff.

I can't write any more. My mother just sucked the inspiration out of me, as she always does. She's so good at this, I wonder how she does it.

Maybe I won't even write on this blog any more. We'll see.

Yes.

We'll see.