Et je n'ai rien fait.

There was doubt and everything was complicated.

Should I continue this new relationship ?

It's been one month.

I haven't had relationships that long since, like, forever. Well, no, maybe not forever, but it really looks like it was forever.

And then I refused.

I said no.

I had no intention to have sex with him last night, so I just said no. And he insisted, and he kept kissing me, and touching me, and God he's good with these hands of his... And I wanted to, but somewhere I didn't.

I had too many things in mind. Cells, anatomy, and other really great things you learn in fabulous, not-tiring-at-all med school.

And I had to work on it. And I had no time. I was oppressed. I didn't want our "rare bird", our first time, to go like this. My first time. To go like this.

So, I just... I just didn't.

He went away.

I sent him an e-mail, explaining my reasons. That I wanted to, I did, I really did, but just not today. Not today, not today. Maybe tomorrow. Probably next week.

Or Whatever.

Anyway.

We talked.

And it was good.

And I do think about him.

I do, I do.

But there's still doubt, and fear... And I just don't want to let go. If I do, if I just let myself fall, in his arms, I'm afraid I'm going to lose it.

The man I used to call the love of my life, he destroyed me, I think. Not that he wanted to. Poor sweetheart, he didn't even know it at all. But it was enough to kill me.

And I put my heart and my soul at not letting myself being in love with him.

And this spread to not being in love at all... ever?

So, I don't want to let myself fall.

And yet.

15 minutes ago.

He just told me.

"I've got a problem."

"What ?"

"I'm beginning to grow attached to you."

And then, there was nothing. No string, no rope, just this strange feeling I hadn't been experimencing for too long.

There was nothing. My hands crooking on my face of happiness and nothing else.

And I said, "Well, it's not a problem, it's good. And I am too, you know."

"Yeah, but... I'm not going stay forever in this town. Just one year."

And there was pain and sorrow all over again.

And he said,

"Well, we still have time... We'll see where all this leads us."

"Yes."

"Anyway, you're a very good boyfriend."

"You too, you know."

I'm beginning to let go... ain't I?